Instruction Manual

I wish I could give you an instruction manual on how to deal with pain
My face would be on the very first page
My life would fill each page
And then maybe you could see that we are almost the same
Then you could see the similarities and why you feel such pain
I`d be the author of the manual and hold your hand through each stage
My words would become true and relate to your pain
How you feel on the inside and you escape yourself from becoming insane
I`ve felt every emotion there is to feel
Half of the time my experiences seem unreal
I can guide you through and tell you all you need to know and more
Just so you won`t have to experience the daggers that will pierce your soul and kill your core
I know because I`ve been there
I was there when my innocence was stolen
And I was there when I realized my home and family was broken
I was there when I saw my Granny cry
And watched her stare into space because her last sister had died
I was there when my mother and my sister had that fight
I was there when my cousin Angie would cry at night
A broken heart is a bitch
And I was first in line to witness it
I was there to see some things that I shouldn’t have seen
Frown as my laughs and smiles came so few and far between
No stranger to tears, pain, and deep thoughts
And now my pain still exists
But I refuse to become consumed by it
Accepting people for who they were and loving them for who they have become
I wish I had a manual on how to deal with pain
I wish I could wipe away all your tears and protect you from all of your deepest fears
Lock you away to enjoy the joys of ignorance
But until I write the manual and delay the bliss
Allow me to comfort you, beginning with a kiss

What Hurts the Most (Brief notes)

Many times we are faced with challenges that soon become lifetime burdens. Burdens that cause internal issues like depression, insomnia, anti-social behavior, and disconnection to those you should have a connection with. The problems are endless.

It often baffles me how blind people can be once they are placed in a situation. Many people block out the painful portions of the situation to make themselves feel better. Other people convince themselves that they are "helping" and not hurting. And a small minority of people actually understand the situation and have come to terms with it in all aspects.

Many times in these situations we dont realize how much we are actually hurting on the inside. We dont realize it until we are confronted with the issue that burdens us. We dont realize it until we cant sleep at night, or we lose our appetite or we isolate ourselves. We usually dont have time to reflect on how we really feel and how we really want to to react. We just react and think about how we feel later. We say and do things that hurt others and its because we are hurting just as much as they are.

Wrapping our minds around the idea of someone or something hurting us is heavy enough and sometimes it takes a while to grasp. But once you've grasped it, the only thing to do is accept it and move on.

Fire and The Bull

APRIL 20th....I was born on a cusp. Some horoscopes and zodiac calendars would label me as an Aries and some would label me as a Taurus. My sign can go either way. I do feel that at times I agree more with my Taurus side.

I know my strengths and my weaknesses. I am well aware. What seems to be the problem is when those around act as if my strengths and my weaknesses are something that they should have an opinion about. My response is [I DON`T CARE]. . .not good enough for you? Well I don`t know what to say. I will never ever apologize for being me. If you don`t like it you don`t have to deal with me. Please believe my life will go on. It has no choice but to go on. Life doesn`t stop because of how someone feels or thinks.

Do I have a temper? Yes. Has it gotten better? Considerably.

But in the midst of all this, why is it that people are still unhappy with me or how I handle things? Could it be that you took it wrong or that you are just a sensitve person. I have taught myself to ignore many things and block things out, yet there are still complaints. There is nothing that I can do about how you feel about me or what I do. All I can do is apologize for how you feel. I cannot and will not apologize for me being me.

I have made adjustments where I see fit and I do believe that I am getting better. It is in my nature to be stubborn, strong-willed, and generally not care about other's feelings. Not that I don`t want to empathize with others, because at times I do with those who I care about and with those who have valid cases.

Nothing else really to say. I know who I am and who I want to be. If you don`t like (family or not) you can please exit to the left. . .#thatisall

-Signed,

Ms. Bentley

Love All Over Me

Love All Over Me is a song from Monica's new album Still Standing. (I also pasted the lyrics below for you to read)

I have been playing this song on repeat since I got the song on my iTunes! I love it. I wish that I could have had the lyrics posted on here but for some reason they won`t copy and paste... :( ...But anyway! I just wanted to share with the world how much I love this song!

Love All Over Me is a song about falling in love. It describes going into a relationship without expecting anything good to come from it and ended up falling into something much deeper than you had imagined. The lyrics further explain how after falling in love how you feel and how much the love and the relationship change you.

To me, Love All Over Me describes me and my relationship. We liked each other and had liked each other since high school. We couldn`t be together in high school and once we broke free from our past relationships we felt that we still couldn`t be together because we didn`t want to have anoymore long distance relationships. But as we got closer, and talked more, we just happened. And now I got love all over me. . . :-)

-Signed
Ms. Bentley

Love All Over Me -Monica

Must not of been paying attention
I stepped right on in it, didn’t even notice how deep I was
I went from the ground to the top of the clouds
And now as I look down I see where I fell into your heart

Now I got love all over me
Baby you touched every part of me
Ooo I got love all over me
And I don’t want to get it off
I’m completely covered up in your love

Even my skin is changing (ooooo)
I’m feeling warmer no more icy blue hearts for me
You put the color back in my life
And now where there was black and white you’re becoming irridescent

I got love all over me
Baby you touched every part of me
Ooooo I got love all over me
And I don’t want to get it off
I’m completely covered up in your love

Before your love baby I was blinded
To think we painted you took it from me
You showered me with a new beginning now I’m clean
To be my surprise when you ran up on me
I came to life baby in that moment
You put your hands on my heart baby now it beats

Now I got love all over me
Baby you touched every part of me
Ooooo I got love all over me
And I don’t want to get it off
I’m completely covered up in your love

In your love
In your love
And I don’t want to get it off I’m completely covered in your love
Ohhh I……
In… your …… Love...

Total Frustration

The most frustrating thing in the world is to want so little and get absolutely nothing at all.

For my 21st birthday I dont want a cake, I dont want gifts, I dont even want money! All I wanted was to get my hair done! The bitch across the street tried to get me for 70 dollars...NOT I! And then on top of that I cannot find Nikk! This is depressing! Ugh! That`s what I get for wanting something. . .This is why I try to keep it simple so that I won`t get let down and I still get let down. . .


-Signed,
Ms. Bentley

Worry Free

Many times we try to cover up how we feel by masking it with smiles and laughs. We often try to protect others and we fail to realize that that is impossible. You cannot protect someone from life, nor can you shield them from the truth. The fact of the matter is that life happens. Some times we have good moments, some times we don't. But in those moments do we really take the time out to analyze the situation and appreciate the situation for what it really is, regardless of the mood you're in? More than likely we don't appreciate ourselves enough to even appreciate the idea of being in the situation, good or bad. See, the difference between us and God is that God knows us and He knows what He is doing. Us on the other hand, are just here. We think we know what we are doing and what are plans are, but we don't. We think we have it all figured out until things fall apart and then we begin to doubt our abilities, fall into a depression and things of that nature. Doing all of these things doesn't help. But what we can do as people is make sure that we understand what is going on and appreciate it for what it is and learn to stop stressing an worrying. I can speak on this because I am a living witness of one who worries WAY TOO MUCH! Everything that happens (for the most part) has an impact on me and makes me think, worry, over analyze and stress. Sometimes things are just what they seem.

Unconcious

Many times if you tell yourself something over and over, you begin to believe it. Whether you realize it or not, we (humans) all have our own internal issues and many times they are too hard or too heavy to deal with so we push them to the smallest, darkest lowest part of our brain. This is known as our unconcious. Our unconcious mind subconciously controls our actions, behaviors and attitudes. In most cases it can cause us to be very unhappy people. The thing that sticks out the most to me in my unconcious mind is my father. I try to understand his actions and justify them to make myself feel better. However, I decided a long time ago that I will no longer make excuses for him and his absence. He is not around because he just simply does not want to be. I can no longer make the effort to always call him and try to build a relationship with him when all it is to him is a joke. I cannot make excuses for him when he does not answer when I call because he has my number and address just like I have his. I have not spoken to him since January and after many calls and countless voicemails I decided in February that he does not have to worry about me ever again. I will not call him, visit him or bother him ever again.
***
Today, my mother did her usual 21 questions and she asked had I been talking to him and if he had been helping me out financially and I said no. I said the last time I spoke to him was in January and that was to ask him to help me with my rent. Every other time after that point when I would call him he never answered. So, how does he know I still have a place to live? He didnt care enough to call or even to tell me he didnt have it or couldnt/wouldnt help me. This conversation took me to a place where I didnt think existed. I actually screamed at the top of my lungs. Felt good. Actually very therapeutic. =)